Always Deciding for Everyone? Easing Decision Fatigue and the Mental Load
On the outside you may seem capable and composed. Inside it can feel noisy: a running to-do list, choices for everyone else, and the pressure to keep going. If you are feeling tired of deciding what to cook, how to respond, when to rest, and who needs what next, you may be experiencing decision fatigue and the mental load. You are not failing. Your brain is tired.
What is decision fatigue?
Decision fatigue is the mental weariness that builds when you make many choices across the day. Each decision draws on attention and energy. When the tank runs low, it becomes harder to think clearly, regulate emotion, and choose calmly. The “mental load” is the often invisible planning and organising that keeps life moving. Many people, especially women and parents, carry this load without it being noticed.
Common signs:
Overthinking simple choices (dinner, messages, clothes)
Irritability or brain fog by late afternoon
Procrastination or doom-scrolling because deciding feels heavy
Snapping at loved ones, then feeling guilty
Saying “yes” when you mean “not now” to avoid the effort of deciding
Why it can feel bigger in autumn
Shorter days, busier diaries, and the shift back into routines can all increase demands on attention. If you have been “holding it together” for others, your system may already be running on reserve.
A gentle framework to lighten the load
You do not need a complete life overhaul. Small, kind adjustments add up. Try one idea this week.
1) Four-D filter: Decide, Delegate, Delay, Delete
Decide: Make the small decision once and set a default (for example, “pasta night on Mondays”).
Delegate: Ask for practical help or split tasks (for example, “You handle online food order; I will handle meals”).
Delay: Park non-urgent choices in a “Later” list with a review date.
Delete: Remove what does not matter this season. Permission granted.
2) The “good-enough” rule
Perfection is expensive. Choose the option that meets the need with the least friction. Dinner that is simple and eaten together beats a complicated plan that drains you.
3) Create kind defaults
Defaults reduce daily decision load.
Meals: Rotate 7 “no-think” dinners.
Clothes: A small work capsule for easy mornings.
Messages: A saved reply such as, “Thank you for checking in. I will come back to this tomorrow.”
4) Energy-aware scheduling
Match tasks to your natural energy curve. Do thinking tasks when your mind is clearest; keep afternoons for lighter admin. Place one 30-minute buffer in your day for the unexpected.
5) Micro-boundaries that protect your attention
Phone boundaries: Turn off non-essential notifications; batch replies twice a day.
Social boundaries: “That sounds lovely. I will confirm by Friday.”
Work boundaries: “My capacity is full this week. I can offer options next Tuesday or Thursday.”
6) Offload the invisible
Get it out of your head and into a simple system.
One family calendar that everyone can see.
A shared shopping list that anyone can add to or complete.
A weekly 15-minute “logistics chat” to plan meals, lifts, and appointments.
7) A three-minute reset when your head is full
Minute 1: Place both feet on the floor. Notice five things you can see and three sounds you can hear.
Minute 2: Breathe slowly in for 4, out for 6. Repeat five cycles.
Minute 3: Ask, “What is the next kind step?” Do only that.
Helpful phrases when “yes” is costing you
“Thank you for thinking of me. I do not have capacity this week.”
“I can help for 30 minutes on Wednesday, not today.”
“I need to think about that and will reply tomorrow.”
“No for now. If anything changes I will let you know.”
When counselling can help
If you live with constant over-responsibility, people-pleasing, or the belief that you “should” cope, it can be hard to put these ideas into practice. In person-centred counselling we move at your pace, explore patterns without judgement, and support you to build steadier boundaries and kinder self-talk. You remain the expert on your life. Together we make space for what you need.
A gentle first step: Choose one default you will set this week (for example, a simple meal plan or a saved message). Notice how it feels to let that decision live outside your head.
